The Insecure Side of Me
You know sometimes I get pretty overwhelmed with how much I want something to happen and then it doesn’t happen. Now, I am not referring to anything in particular but that I am and always have been a person with some insecurity.
I am sure that a lot of people are like me and it sometimes overwhelms our thoughts on certain days and certain days we have no issues. So it is not something that I am just always focused on it but it does have it’s days. I think it honestly started with me in my early ages of school trying to find friends and trying to fit in. Part of that, “fitting” in was to do some pretty stupid things that usually got in trouble or hurt in some capacity.
I wish I could say that it has all gone away but then I would be lying to you. The insecurity in me looks like me focused on my struggles with self-esteem, failure and acceptance. I have always had this image of trying to look up to something and then compare myself to that person that I wanted to look up to. It could have been my dad or mom or even my grandparents, maybe a teacher or two, pastors and even bosses…but it was always something and I never seemed to be good enough.
Then the one thought is, what does good enough look like? Am I good enough, am I worth all the comments, do I still have value? These days I think I struggle the most in positions or callings in my professional life. After a big failure early in my marriage and retail career, I felt at that point that I was never going to amount to anything. Then God called me out to be a pastor and in that I still feel everyday that I am not worthy of that calling.
What happens if I am not good enough for the church, what if the church dies or doesn’t grow, what if I make a wrong choice for that particular ministry…what if I let God down….what if?…. So it seems the insecurity is still a real struggle.
These feelings do play a part in my personal life where there are days I don’t feel that I am a good enough husband for my wife or dad to my kids and I struggle with my physical self-esteem.
Now…I am not leaving you there or myself there either….through all the tough years, struggling years, and everything else I am realizing that I am exactly where I need to be with everything. I think that if I don’t have some sort of questioning to what or how I do things and even keep some insecurity then I will have figured it all out and then I would probably not need God. It’s true…when we all figure things out and get out get out of the issues we have the tendency to not need God. I don’t want that…
You see through all the things…God kept me afloat, God kept me safe, God didn’t let me struggle too much (maybe a little) and God is trying to keep me humble (which is hard for most of us). Here is why….if I boast because of my success, boast of my accolades or boast of what I survived then my boasting is all about me and not about God. So in all this I guess it is best that I stay a little insecure….Insecurity allows for God to shine even more. Insecurity allows for God to work and do amazing things. Insecurity allows for me to be a lot less and for God to be a lot more. This is the insecure side of me…